How to Eat Like A Champ

The last two weeks before a marathon is called a "taper", where you run very little and eat and sleep very much in anticipation of the big day. However, the term "taper" is misleading, because in my experience, you do nothing but expand in that period.

So, being someone who takes my training very seriously, I appointed myself Chief Carb Officer during the taper... or indefinitely. The last two weeks have been a haze of baked goods, consumed with the least possible energy expenditure. And, while I didn't come even close to winning the race, I think I won the taper by at least a mile.

Below, my no-fail taper training plan:

Step  1:  Start the day off right with doughnuts, the breakfast of champions. Bonus points if they are heart-shaped, apple cider doughnuts with sprinkles.

Step 2: Make bread for no reason. And while you're at it, make it Irish Brown Bread, because in miles 20-26, you are going to want something that sticks to your ribs. Note: one small piece will last you all day. Seriously. One slice and a Guinness, and you're good till tomorrow.

Step 3: Since you have so much extra time now, take a day-long pizza workshop. Discuss gluten ad nauseum. Learn the "DJ" technique of stretching dough. Measure your kitchen for a wood-fired brick oven. Eat your homework.

 Step 4: Go apple picking with a very cute dog.

Step 5: Make apple pie with said apples. Attempt to make ice cream to go with the pie, but if your ice cream maker breaks, declare that frozen custard is so in this season.

 Step 6: Make these unbelievable pecan bars, but under no condition tell anyone how much butter you used. Give them away as fast as possible.

Step 7: Brunch copiously. Feel free to order doughnuts as an appetizer. If you feel strained at any point, have someone feed you.

Step 8: Race!